


Visions of You

by homojaku



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, background killugon - Freeform, character disappearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 07:24:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15635991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homojaku/pseuds/homojaku
Summary: Kurapika still has dreams where Leorio is about to step out of the door, and he stops him, he is more stubborn, he is more skeptical, but he wakes to an empty double bed, one much too large for him alone, and he looks to see nothing there.Leorio disappears for over 10 years after going on a mission, and Kurapika has to deal with his absence.





	Visions of You

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give a first shout-out to Eddy for listening to my rambling and giving me little ideas for this fic! I hope you enjoy it, Eddy! Thanks for being an awesome friend!

Ten years.

He can’t remember his voice anymore, he can’t remember what his touch felt like, he can only remember the image of the man in the pictures they had together.

Kurapika lined his walls with those photos, ones of Leorio smiling, ones of them in different places, ones of them in stupid poses. Kurapika’s favorite are the ones that he had taken when Leorio wasn’t paying attention, where he was reading, or sleeping, or looking at his phone. He was _there,_ and he was full of life, and Kurapika always felt himself tremble when he looked at them.

He wanted to be angry, he wanted to be _furious_ at Leorio, but as he looked at those pictures of him, all he could feel was the empty cavern in his chest that Leorio had taken up before.

Ten damn years.

The last time Kurapika had seen him, he was packing a bag, and Kurapika assumed he would be back in a few months, so he hadn’t taken it seriously. He only half paid attention as Leorio talked about the doctors going with him, and about the country he was going to. Kurapika already knew a little bit about it, as the news covered the war there extensively, and he decided not to pay attention as Leorio spoke. He remembers seeing Leorio smile, but he can’t remember what his voice sounded like as he spoke. He remembers kissing Leorio as he smiled, pulling him down to reach, but he can’t remember what that felt like. He can’t _remember_ anymore, and it made him feel emptier.

Kurapika still has dreams where Leorio is about to step out of the door, and he stops him, he is more stubborn, he is more skeptical, but he wakes to an empty double bed, one much too large for him alone, and he looks to see nothing there.

He touches a photo on the wall gently, a photo of Leorio reading some kind of book, and he runs his fingers over the image of him, young and happy and _alive_.

Kurapika reminds himself of what his therapist told him: _he_ is _still alive._

Every day that passes makes it harder and harder to believe that.

He picks up the pieces of him that had fallen, the pieces that allowed himself to act like everything was normal and _fine, I’m fine,_ and he took a breath.

He wasn’t alone in this, and he couldn’t show Gon these pieces that are broken and jagged. Killua could handle it, but Gon couldn’t. Kurapika could feel how much the boy missed him, and Kurapika wasn’t going to make him feel worse.

_Pick yourself up_. Kurapika took a deep breath in, squared his shoulders, and walked to the door. He reached forward, seeing his hand shake, and he stilled it.

He actually had a day off, and he knew that Gon would get restless and grumpy if he didn’t visit, so he decided to surround himself with that happiness instead.

The echo of his footsteps made everything sound emptier, and he shut the door behind him as he left. Shut away those feelings, those regrets, those anxieties, and focus on what he _has_ instead of what he doesn’t have.

Gon and Killua had decided to move across the street from Leorio and Kurapika’s apartment when they had gotten it, so it wasn’t a long trip at all. If he tried, he could probably shout over to Gon through the windows they had, but he preferred to sit in their cozy home. It felt alive, unlike his house.

He knocks on the tall, wooden door, and is answered by Alluka, a large smile forming on her face. She hugs him quickly, and Kurapika can’t help but smile back at the small girl.

“Kurapika, you finally came by!” Alluka let go of him, but still kept her grin. “Big Bro has been fussing about you holing up at your house.”

“He worries too much,” Kurapika responds, and Alluka laughs.

“Gon! Big Bro! Kurapika is here!” Alluka calls up the stairs, her voice light and still brimming with laughter.

A bang from upstairs. Another one. Then, the sound of a door slamming open and footsteps racing to the top of the stairs.

“KURAPIKA,” Gon stands there, out of breath and slightly disheveled, his eyes wide.

“How are you?” Kurapika asks, raising his voice slightly so the younger man can hear him.

Gon’s mouth turns up into a smile, and he runs down the stairs, still way too energetic. It made Kurapika feel relieved, to see him smile and act like himself. Killua came in behind Gon, racing down without a word. The morning light flooded in through the windows and reflected on their matching gold rings. Kurapika felt the weight of his ring suddenly get heavier.

Kurapika can’t remember the last time he saw them without each other.

“Kurapika!” Gon hugs him, his tall body towering over him and his grip slightly suffocating. Kurapika would resist if it wasn’t one of the few things he still had that reminded him of Leorio. “I’m good, how are you? You haven’t come around in so long! Killua was complaining about it.”

“Was not,” Killua cracks in, stabbing his elbow into Gon’s ribs, and Kurapika takes in the sight.

After ten years, they’ve grown a lot. Gon towers over Kurapika now, most likely taller than Leorio even was. He let his hair grow out slightly, and he wore it in a bun on the top of his head. His muscles had grown in, but he was still pretty slim. Killua hadn’t gotten much taller, his final height at 27 reaching up to Gon’s chest. His appearance hadn’t changed much, just that his face had elongated, and he had lost his baby-fat cheeks. Alluka hadn’t grown much taller, but her features had matured, and she cut her hair the year after Leorio left, saying she needed a “new beginning.”

Kurapika understood. He had let himself stagnate, trying to keep his appearance and everything about him as similar as possible to ten years ago, save the bags under his eyes and the slight wrinkles that had formed on his face. Ten years was a long time, and they hadn’t been easy, but he wanted Leorio to know it was him when he finally came back.

Killua hugs Kurapika, which snaps him back to the present, and he hugs gently back. Killua is only slightly taller than Kurapika, and it makes his hugs easy and warm.

“You should’ve come back to visit sooner,” Killua chuckles, throwing his thumb over his shoulder, pointing it at Gon. He whispered, “Gon really missed you.”

“I’m only across the street,” Kurapika smiled, and Killua nods in reply.

“I always tell him that. Tell him to just go _visit you_ instead, but he doesn’t want to,” Killua clears his throat, “intrude.”

Kurapika knows that Gon doesn’t like to visit because of the pictures of Leorio. They make him cry, and Kurapika can’t stand to watch him cry. It had gotten worse over time, because even Gon’s radiant positivity had been shaken, and he couldn’t bring himself to think of Leorio being gone forever.

Kurapika, however, was stubborn, and angry, and he wouldn’t let the man die without a fight. Kurapika would go to hell to strangle him with his bare hands if it meant to see Leorio again.

Kurapika wouldn’t force him to come over. Gon had enough going on in his life and Kurapika was a busy man. They have these slight moments, ones where they are both free from those worries, and they can see each other again. Kurapika tries to be the weight for Gon, to shoulder more pain for him, but he isn’t natural at being a _friend_ , he still has a lot to learn about comforting others.

He’s sharp, he hurts others easily, but he’s known Gon long enough to know that it doesn’t bother the other boy.

Killua, on the other hand, is quick to call him out. It was Killua’s idea to get a therapist, knowing that Kurapika had dangerous ways of coping, his brain going in spirals. Killua found him too many times, reading the names of the deceased, looking for Leorio, and he had enough. He told Gon about it, and about the therapist, and once a thought had passed through his mind, he wasn’t quick to let it go. Kurapika was stubborn, but Gon was a force to be reckoned with.

Killua didn’t force him to go, but he knew that Gon wanting him to go would be enough pressure.

Gon walked over, patting Kurapika on the shoulder.

“Do you want to have breakfast with all of us?” Gon was welcoming, his presence was warm, and Kurapika had become weak to it.

He reminded Kurapika of Leorio, and Kurapika hated to admit that it had made him weaker than usual.

“Of course,” Kurapika felt his face smile, but he felt empty.

He wanted to be warm, to be happy for them, but the weight of his ring was _so heavy_ , and seeing Gon and Killua, living happily married, made it worse.

He had a _plan_.

Before Leorio had left, they had talked about it. Leorio had mentioned marriage, but they both agreed that it wasn’t the right time yet. Leorio was newly out of nursing school, but Kurapika was still deep into his degree, and they were both too busy to be able to think about that.

Still, he had a plan. He had gotten two rings, his simple and silver, and Leorio’s gold, with engravings on the inside that said their names. He had gotten them a month before Leorio left, a week before he had gotten the job assignment, and now they weighed on him.

Two months after Leorio left, the calls stopped coming. Kurapika wasn’t _too_ worried, because he was taking care of people who needed it in a war zone, but something in his brain bothered him.

Four months after the calls stopped, Kurapika felt empty. He looked at the matching rings, with dust covering the box, and he let himself weep. He fell asleep that night with the news blaring, the computer open with a page containing the names of the known casualties.

Two months after that, he felt that it was too final to keep the rings in their box, too much like admitting that Leorio was most likely dead, and Kurapika decides to try and wear his, but leaving Leorio’s alone made him feel lonelier.

He couldn’t put it in his pocket, he would lose it. He constantly was working as a lawyer, and he couldn’t handle losing it. He couldn’t wear Leorio’s, they fell off his fingers easily.

Instead, he got a chain. Long enough to fit both rings and hide them underneath his suit. He could feel the weight against his chest most days, and it makes him feel less empty. When Killua and Gon got married, it felt like lead, like it was poisoning him.

Seeing people move on while Kurapika stays rooted make him feel empty, like air is passing through him and he cannot move from where he is.

He hears Killua and Gon speak, he hears Alluka’s laugh, and he hears himself respond, but he isn’t there.

He’s stuck feeling the weight of the gold and silver hit his chest, and he can’t help but think that Leorio didn’t leave with anything to remind him of _home_.

He spends the entire breakfast like this, like he’s wearing a mask that says he’s okay.

Kurapika leaves after breakfast, telling Gon, Killua, and Alluka that he has errands to run. He knows that Gon and Alluka bought it, but Killua gives him a look, and Kurapika has to leave before his chest collapses.

He works better when he’s alone, he thinks. Sure, he has low points, points where all he can do is listen to the news and have nightmares where he finds Leorio’s body, but most of the time he can avoid things when he’s alone. He can stare at the street, at the children playing without a care, and just think about where he would be if Leorio was there, instead of thinking about the empty space where he used to be with all of them. He can imagine that, once he goes home, Leorio will be waiting there, with dinner cooking, wearing that stupid pink apron Kurapika had gotten him, and everything will be okay. It will feel worse when he actually does get home, but it feels good to pretend.

Kurapika walks down the street, not really paying much attention to anything, but letting everything pass through him. He lets the heaviness of the morning pass through him, he lets his jagged edges out, lets himself _be_ , and he tries to move.

He can’t ever forget him, but he knows, now, ways that he can act like a normal person with a heart, and he lets himself pretend that it _is_ him.

\---

_Gold sunrays filter in through the small window, and he thinks of a man back home._

_He can hear his laughter in his mind, and he works to make sure he can get back to that laughter before it’s too late._

_He goes back to the job at hand._

_\---_

Kurapika dreams often, and much of it is taken up by Leorio. He used to have detailed dreams of the man, ones where it was like he was right there with him, but now he can’t hear Leorio’s voice, and he can’t feel his touch.

He wants to remember everything, he wants to feel the heat of Leorio’s skin on his, but years away from him have wiped almost everything away.

Kurapika finds a note one day, ten and a half years after Leorio leaves. It’s small, handwritten, and Kurapika feels shocks run through him.

_Made you some breakfast, but I had to leave early for my clinicals. I’ll see you tonight. Wear that blue shirt that I like. I love you, Leorio._

He doesn’t like to let himself cry, it’s too much for him, but he lets himself sob, holding the note tight to his chest, everything coursing through him like a river, eroding away at his jagged heart.

He hangs the note up by the pictures of Leorio, another memory that Kurapika saves from the floods of time, and he touches it each day before going to work, like a ritual. It gives him strength for a little while before he finds himself lost in anger and agony again.

He has ripped it down multiple times, steady in his decision to be rid of it, but each time, his hand stops. He can’t let it go. He lets it rest in his palm, small and sweet, Leorio’s handwriting almost unreadable, and he _can’t_.

One night, in the midst of his anger, he rips it in half, and he is sobered immediately. The words are torn through, the sweet message torn apart by _his_ anger, and he tries desperately to tape it back together, to repair the damage, before slipping the note back into his dresser drawer.

He falls asleep listening to the news, loud and destructive, waiting to hear _something_.

\---

_Blood covers his arms, and the deep red draws him in. He misses home, and he misses the man waiting for him, but the deep weight of the war on his back keeps him right where he is._

_He holds a small, trembling girl in his arms, and he can’t stop his brain from thinking about home._

\---

Gon is yelling, he is yelling, and he can’t stop the feelings pouring through the both of them.

They’re always a little touchier when the “anniversary” comes around.

11 years to the day since Leorio left them. Kurapika is on edge more than usual, and Gon had suddenly visited, and Kurapika is not one to hold his tongue.

Alluka had stayed home, as she often did, but Killua and Gon had decided to visit to “check on him.”

Kurapika hated being treated like he was glass, like he was going to break at the slightest thing and having them “check on him” pissed him off more than he could take.

If it wasn’t the anniversary, he would probably just push it off, but he couldn’t _today_.

“We were just worried about you! You never answer the phone, or call, or visit!” Gon’s voice reverberated through his small apartment, and it agitated Kurapika more.

“You don’t need to hover over me, I’m _fine_!” Kurapika felt himself shake as his voice raised, and he wanted to run away from this.

“ _Fine?_ You’re _fine?_ How can you be fine with this?” Gon was always louder than him, always more stubborn, and it felt like something was bubbling in Kurapika’s throat.

“It’s been eleven fucking years, Gon,” Kurapika lowered his voice. “It’s been _eleven years_. I’m not _great_ , but I’ll be _fine_ , if you just leave me the hell alone today.”

“You want to be left alone, but every time we leave you alone every time this day passes, you almost fly off to who the hell knows where!” Gon clenches his fist. Kurapika feels something boil in him.

“You’re one to talk!” Kurapika rages at this. “Killua has told me about how you both were planning on doing the same damn thing!”

“Yeah, 6 years ago!” Killua adds in, actually getting a word in edgewise. “We stopped a long time ago.”

“So sorry to say it, but I’m not going to _give up_ on Leorio just because time has passed,” Kurapika growls, and he sees Gon’s face fall. He regrets what he said as soon as he sees Gon’s eyes water.

“We didn’t _give up_ , Kurapika,” Gon looked at him, tears welling up in his eyes. “We could never give up on him.”

“Then we agree on something,” Kurapika feels his rage simmer until he can only feel sadness, and Gon opens his arms up for a hug.

Kurapika takes it. Gon and Killua are the only ones allowed to touch him for more than a second, and Kurapika appreciates their presence. They’re the only ones he has left that even mildly understand the pain he has. Most give him pity if they learn about it, and pity pisses him off even more than sadness.

Gon and Killua don’t give him pity. They may treat him like he’s easily breakable, but they never give him looks that make his chest feel like it’s going to burst open.

They share a hug, long and warm, and they manage to stop fighting.

“Hey, Kurapika,” Gon calls, sitting on Kurapika’s couch, which made him look even bigger than he was. “Do you remember when Killua and I got into high school?”

Kurapika turns, leaning on the wall facing the couch.

“I remember Leorio started to cry on our first day,” Killua laughed, and Kurapika finally felt himself really _smile_. He remembered it, too. “He acted like he was our dad, even though he’s only a few years older than us.”

Kurapika always had trouble remembering Leorio’s voice, but their memory brings small bits of it back.

“I forgot to tell you,” Gon mentions, his face lighting up. “I found a video of all of us!”

Kurapika felt his heart restart in his chest, he felt warmth swim through him.

“Oh yeah!” Killua lights up as well, a big grin lining his face. “Did you bring it?”

“I forgot it at the house,” Gon looks around him like he was searching for something, before turning his face up at Kurapika. “Do you want to come watch it at our place?”

Kurapika nods, smile still lining his face. He wanted to hear Leorio’s voice, even if it was a brief memory from the past.

They leave Kurapika’s house, slowly walking across the street.

“Where did you find it?” Kurapika asks, his heart slowly steadying in his chest.

“Ah, I found Killua’s old camera, and when we looked on the memory card, we found a video that Alluka took of all of us,” Gon says, a small grin on his face. “It was that day we all went to the park for Killua’s birthday.”

“I vaguely remember that,” Kurapika hums, thinking back to that time, and how warm that day was.

“It was a while ago, I forgot about it,” Killua adds, opening the door to his home quietly. “I think Alluka is still asleep.”

The house is quiet, so it seems like he guessed correctly. Killua and Kurapika take up the couch while Gon gets the camera out of his room. He pats down the stairs quietly, trying his best to not wake Alluka.

Gon arrives in the living room with a small, digital camera, and he hooks it up to the television. The pictures on it flash up on the television, many pictures of Killua in different areas and Gon making stupid faces. It warms Kurapika’s heart, especially when they see pictures of Leorio with Gon, making silly expressions and recreating stupid pictures they found on the internet.

The video pops up, and the first thing Kurapika hears is Leorio’s laugh, echoing through the living room, and filling up the void in his chest. Hearing it again, after 11 years away from it, was like he was filling with water, filling so much it spilled from every crevice in his body. It was warm, it was happy, it was _alive_ , and Kurapika couldn’t stop his tears from spilling.

Gon and Killua didn’t touch him. They knew better.

“ _Hey, Kurapika!”_ Leorio calls from the television, and Kurapika can’t hold back his small sobs. That broke him. Hearing his name from that man, after 11 damn years, just broke all the floodgates he had holding himself back. He shakes, feeling his heart break into even more jagged pieces than it was before. He can’t control his chest heaving the water collecting in it, drowning him. “ _Come here!”_

Kurapika shows up on the television, smiling softly up at Leorio, and Leorio shoves a piece of cake in his face.

He hears Leorio laugh, and he sees him run away as Kurapika chases after him, the camera moving from their small scene to Killua’s face, reacting in fear to Kurapika’s rage. Killua, sitting next to Kurapika, laughs at his own reaction, and Kurapika finally feels a laugh bubble up in him.

He’s sure that he hasn’t _actually_ laughed since Leorio left, but he does now, listening to the giggles coming from the screen and around him. Light thumps come down from the stairs, and Alluka joins them in the living room.

“Oh, I remember this,” she adds, her voice small, and her hand lightly touching Kurapika’s knee. It takes everything in Kurapika’s body to hold back from snapping his leg away from her. She’s just trying to help.

The camera slightly shakes, and Killua’s laugh takes up the sound. They point it back at Kurapika running after Leorio, holding what looks like the rest of the cake, screaming at him.

He feels himself laugh, and everyone joins in. They were happy then, and it hurts that he can’t see this Leorio every day, but they were _happy_ and Kurapika lets it soak in. Maybe seeing that happiness will bring happiness back into him.

The video goes on for another minute, mostly focusing on Gon joining the chase with Kurapika, and Killua laughing at their antics. It warms him, and it cracks him open more. He wants to shut it off, and he wants to watch it endlessly, he can’t decide how he feels.

He’s happy to hear Leorio’s voice, to finally remember what it sounds like, but he’s also filled with deep, dark agony. He knows that, when he goes back to his house, Leorio won’t be there, that deep, silly voice and laugh won’t be there, and he has to deal with that. He has to figure out how to deal with the fact that he has no idea when (or _if_ , the dark part of his mind chimes in) he will hear it again.

He can’t handle that.

It breaks him open in ways he wasn’t broken before, and he feels like he can’t break anymore, until Gon wraps his arms around Kurapika.

He lets himself weep, if only for the fact that Gon is warm, and he still has Leorio’s laugh ringing through his mind.

He shakes, his tears falling silently, and he feels Killua and Alluka join in, and it feels like _family_.

He’s not alone in his suffering.

He knew that already, but sometimes, when he is holed up in his house, the news ringing through the walls, he will forget that. He will forget that Gon, Killua, and Alluka all suffer from this, too. He forgets that Gon thought of Leorio like a father, he forgets that Killua had leaned on Leorio through all of his family issues, he forgets that Leorio was the one who helped them take care of Alluka through their hardest times.

He forgets, on lonely nights, that Leorio was loved by _many_ people, not just him. He loved, he _loves_ , Leorio so much, but he was one of many people who Leorio had graced with his kindness and humor.

He soaks in the hug from the family, and he lets himself cry, even if only for tonight. Tomorrow, he would be starting a new case, one that would hopefully take up all of his energy and time, and he could distract himself. Today, though, he soaked in the warmth of the family surrounding him.

_\---_

_The sound of bombs was getting closer to the small hospital, and he was trying to get everyone out safely. He used to think that hospitals would not get bombed, but after seeing friends die in hospitals across the small country, that optimism ran out._

_A small child held his hand, and he thought of a small boy back home, green and happy, and it gave him more resolve._

\---

Sometimes, when Kurapika would be alone in the house for far too long, any knock on the door would be Leorio. It was worse when Leorio first left, but eventually, answering the door and being disappointed every time wore him down. He still lets himself, on hard nights, jump and answer every knock that passes by. He will get sad when he answers the door to a small child selling something, but he gives them his extra dollars and he closes the door, his chest heavy.

This night is like that, the news loud and blaring, plane tickets open on his phone. He grips the rings draped around his neck every once in a while, the cold metal feeling nice against his overheated skin.

His anger rips through him, almost making him buy tickets to a country that has a language he doesn’t know, and he hears it.

A very small knock on the door.

His heart jumps, and he throws his phone against the couch, jumping to answer it.

He knows, in the logical part of his head, that it isn’t Leorio. The part of his brain that lets him hope, lets him imagine, tells him to run, because it has to be him, it couldn’t be anyone else.

He hesitates at the door, reluctant to open it and see someone else. He knows it’s someone else, but it would still hurt to see it.

He opens it anyway.

There’s a small girl on the other side, brown eyes big and dark hair puffed in a bob around her head. She smiles as soon as she sees him, dimples forming on her cheeks.

It may not be him, which opens a hole in Kurapika’s chest, but she looks like him, and he can’t be angry at that. He puts on a fake smile for her.

“I’m selling candy for school; do you want any?” she asks, eyes large and full of light.

“Where are your parents?” Kurapika asks, kneeling down to her height. He often works with children, and despite being nervous around them at first, he thinks he’s pretty good at handling them now.

“We live next door!” she says, toothy smile brightening Kurapika’s thoughts. He thinks about the small home next to his, close by with a small space between their houses.

The sky is starting to darken, and he worries about her.

“I can buy some, but I want to walk you back to your house after, okay?” Kurapika says, voice quiet.

_How did they let her out of the house at this hour?_

The news is drowned out by his thoughts.

“Okay!” Her voice is sweet and high pitches, and Kurapika feels lighter.

“How much is everything?” Kurapika asks.

“Everything is a dollar!”

“Okay, let me grab some cash,” Kurapika opens the door wider so he can keep an eye on her as he moves to get his cash.

He grabs 5 dollars and walks back. He buys 3 caramel chocolate bars and 2 almond chocolate bars, the kind that Leorio like. He walks her back to her house, only to see her parents very surprised that she was out of the house. They laugh together, and he goes back to his house.

He stares into the living room, slightly chaotic, the news blasting, his phone lying on the couch, and he takes a breath. He quietly turns off the television, and lays on the couch, scrolling through his phone at pictures of Leorio.

He falls asleep to the video that Gon had showed him, listening quietly to Leorio’s voice.

_\---_

_He had brought a photo with him in his wallet._

_Unfortunately, a war zone isn’t good at staying safe enough for him to keep his wallet._

\---

He had had enough.

The weight on his chest from the rings was too much, and he couldn’t breathe anymore.

He wishes that he could just break away from _everything,_ just separate himself from these feelings, from all of the pain, but he can’t.

He’s standing on a bridge, the one they used to walk across every day when they went to school, and he is gripping the chain where his rings hang.

His anger had started to boil recently, and considering it was their anniversary, it was a hard day for him. Leorio and Kurapika had started dating 15 years to this day, and 13 years ago, Leorio left and was never seen again. Was it too much to hope? It was starting to feel that way.

He never _wanted_ to give up, but the longer and longer he waited, the more and more people started to doubt Leorio, the more pitying looks he received.

He hated to admit it, but he was tired. He has spent 13 years feeling like he couldn’t breathe, like someone was sitting on his chest, with no end in sight. He wanted to hope that Leorio would come back, but with every year that passed, it felt farther and farther away. It was like Leorio was standing just too far away from him, and every day that passed moved him another inch away. He could barely even see Leorio in the distance now and catching up to him felt impossible.

This year was particularly hard, with him starting to see Leorio around his home, only to find out that it was nothing. Today, on their anniversary, he saw Leorio next to him in bed, and when he reached over to put his arm around Leorio’s chest like he had before, he discovered nothing was there. It hurt more than anything else that day, that discovery, it tore him open, leaving him void of anything besides agony. He couldn’t leave bed for an hour, he was crying too hard, holding his comforter to his chest.

After that, he went through Leorio’s clothes, only to find out that they no longer had Leorio’s scent. He couldn’t remember what he smelled like. They only smelled like dust, and Kurapika no longer had anything left to cry.

Now, he had made a decision.

He ripped off his necklace, breaking the small chains that looped around his neck, and he held the rings in his hands. He stared, for a moment, soaking in the image on them, before shoving his arm back, throwing the rings into the air.

As soon as they left his hand, he knew he made a mistake. They hadn’t been airborne for more than a second before he jumped over the ledge with them, following their journey into the small river. He felt the cold water of the river shock him, and he blanked for a second, before starting to search for the rings. His eyes stung in the river, but his chest hurt more, and he knew he had to get through it. They hadn’t floated to the bottom yet, so they were still dangling a few inches in front of his face, and he was able to grip them, rubbing the rings lightly in his fingers.

As he rose from the river, dripping wet, with anger, relief, and sadness swimming still inside of him, he kept rubbing the small rings in his palm, making sure they are still there.

He is sure he got many looks as he walked back to his house, but he didn’t much care. All he cared about was the fact that he still had the small rings that were warm, now, inside of his palm.

He arrived in front of his house, starting to slightly dry off, and he heard Gon gasp behind him.

“What the hell did you do?” Gon asked, his voice loud. He walked over quickly, hands hovering over Kurapika’s body.

“I jumped into the river,” Kurapika said, voice calm, surprising himself.

“Why?” Gon’s eyebrows seemed to keep getting higher and higher on his face.

“I tried,” Kurapika opens his hand, revealing the rings in his palms. “to throw these in there, and then decided that was probably bad.”

Gon stared at him for a few seconds, his eyes wrinkling in a gentle way, and Kurapika felt his chest tighten.

“I’m glad you got it back,” Gon says, voice soft. It held no judgment in it, which is what Kurapika hoped for. “I would hate for you to lose them.”

Kurapika nods, and Gon puts his hand gently on his shoulder.

“Geeze, dude,” Gon lifts his hand up. “you need to change clothes before you catch a cold.”

Kurapika nods, looking back at the rings in his hand, and looking back at Gon.

“Thank you, Gon, for everything,” Kurapika says, quiet, and it feels sort of final, so he adds onto it. “I’ll come over tomorrow.”

Gon nods, and Kurapika goes back into his house.

The next morning, he feels a fever coming on, and he wishes that he had Leorio to take care of him.

_\---_

_He sees the decay in front of him, and he wishes he wasn’t going to leave the people he took care of for so long someday._

\---

Tomorrow was the 14th anniversary of Leorio leaving, and Kurapika felt horrified at himself.

Sometimes, he got busy, but he would always feel the weight of the rings on his chest, and he would remember Leorio.

This time, though, he got so caught up in work, this was a particularly hard case, that he just _forgot_.

He didn’t think of Leorio that entire day, except for when he woke up, and now that he was home.

He felt sick, like he was going to vomit once he realized it. He hadn’t let himself forget Leorio for 14 years, and yet, the day before the anniversary, he did. He forgot, and it made him feel even worse than this day usually did.

He quickly ran to the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet, his body shaking to pieces. He felt like he was breaking apart. As if these jagged pieces of him were breaking off, creating bigger pieces of him that were stabbing his heart and lungs. He was glass, and each piece that broke off of him caused more and more cuts to his chest, bleeding him out slowly.

He _forgot_.

14 years of waiting, crying, agonizing, raging, and he _forgot_.

Kurapika shook, feeling worthless, like he didn’t deserve anything Leorio could give him when he got back.

He vomited everything until he couldn’t anymore, until all that came out was bile, and he breathed heavily on the floor. He was fully dressed, shaking like he was freezing, drool and bile spilling out of his mouth.

He shook until he was calmer, no longer drooling, but laying on the floor, taking everything in.

He felt his phone vibrate, and he almost didn’t answer it, but something in him not under his control pressed the answer button.

“Kurapika?” Gon’s voice came in over the phone. Kurapika put it on speaker. “Kurapika are you okay?”

He couldn’t speak. He breathed, hoping Gon could hear it and hang up.

“Kurapika!” Gon called again, voice louder.

He kept on like this for a few more moments before Kurapika heard the sweet noise of Gon hanging up. He wanted to suffer on his own, not to get grace or help from anyone.

Gon wasn’t like that, though. After a few minutes, he heard knocking on his door. When he didn’t get up, he heard a rattle of keys, and the quiet closing of a door before the loud bang of shoes in his direction.

“Kurapika!” Gon called, walking around for a little while before arriving to the right room. He stopped yelling after Kurapika flinched, instead gently lifting Kurapika up, cradling him softly. “What happened?”

Kurapika didn’t want to respond, but he knew that Gon wouldn’t give up.

“I forgot,” Kurapika calls, his voice scratchy and light. “I forgot about him, today.”

Gon didn’t ask anything else, instead helping Kurapika sit up on his own gently.

He waited, voice quiet, until Kurapika was in bed, ready to sleep. He told Kurapika to call him if he needed anything, and he went home, and Kurapika felt numb.

He couldn’t feel anything, not Gon’s warm touch, not the cold air in his bedroom, nothing at all.

All he wanted was to feel Leorio’s touch, but his brain told him he would never get it back.

He took out a shirt of Leorio’s, a silk, pink button up, and he wore it, falling asleep gently with it in the bed.

In his dreams, he saw Leorio, smiling gently, so close to touching him.

It felt like reality, and Kurapika was okay with that.

_\---_

_Could he go home?_

\---

He had seen sunflowers for sale at a local flower shop, and they reminded him of Leorio, so he bought a few and kept them in a small, glass vase next to their bed. He found a medical book that he thought Leorio would be interested in and he kept it in the bookcase Leorio had bought for them.

He surrounded himself with things that reminded him of Leorio, and they gave him a quiet comfort.

14 years had passed, so he allowed himself to have reign with Leorio’s things. If Leorio came back, he would be fine with it, so he let himself wear Leorio’s shirts, he let himself read Leorio’s confusing medical books, he let himself be.

He was sitting on their couch, wearing one of Leorio’s ugly floral shirts, flipping through one of his legal books, when a knock resounded on the door. He felt himself jump, but at the sound, not at the fact that it might be Leorio. He didn’t really feel like answering it, so he kept reading, faking that he was not home.

Unfortunately, the other person did not have this same plan, knocking incessantly on the door to the point where Kurapika couldn’t ignore it. He sighed heavily, raising himself up to answer it. He reached the door, opened it, and slammed it back shut as soon as he saw who was on the other side.

“Kurapika!” A gentle, familiar voice called from the other side, knocking gently on the door. “Please let me in!”

Kurapika slowly opened the door again, taking in the view.

Leorio.

He was almost the same as before, except with a slight beard growing in, and a large scar taking up a part of his neck. His skin was even tanner than before, and he had slight bags under his eyes, and he was there.

It had to be another vision, another trick his mind was playing on him.

“Kurapika,” Vision Leorio calls to him, reaching his hand out, showing small scars on his palms. “Did you miss me?”

Kurapika felt his hands shaking, and he reached forward, knowing that his hand would pass through, and he would feel empty.

He touched human skin, warm and shaking under his, and he collapsed.

“Woah, Kurapika!” Leorio followed him onto the ground, gently cupping his shoulders with his large hands, which were warm, so very warm.

“What the fuck,” Kurapika choked out, anger building up in his throat. “took you so damn long!”

Leorio had nothing but a smile as an answer, and it didn’t make him feel less angry. It made him feel better, slowly patching up the hole inside of his chest, but it did not take away the anger of 14 years alone, sitting in their house, wondering if he would ever see the love of his life again.

He hit Leorio’s arm, not sweet, and Leorio laughed, deep and warm. He hit him again, lighter this time.

“14 years, you leave me here,” Kurapika feels the tears pour out without his control, “and all you can do is fucking _laugh?_ ”

Leorio answers with a hug, which Kurapika wants to resist, but melts into as soon as he touches his chest to Leorio’s. Leorio’s hugs always had a way of calming him, making him melt. He wasn’t going to let Leorio off, but he let himself melt. His chest hurt, but in a completely different way than before. It was like the dam in his chest finally collapsed, letting everything go in the process, and he was left unable to speak, or do anything besides cry into Leorio’s shoulder and hug him tightly.

He cried into Leorio’s shoulder as Leorio rubbed his back. The circles he rubbed helped clear Kurapika’s mind, let him think of things other than anger, and doubt, and pain. It let him feel relief, feel happiness, and feel love.

“I’m sorry, Kurapika,” Leorio whispered into his ear. “I meant to come home a long time ago.”

Kurapika couldn’t voice anything anymore, gripping into Leorio’s shirt tightly. He smelled different than before, yet somehow still the same as when he hugged him last.

“I love you, dear,” Leorio mewls into his ear. “I’m home.”

He was _home_. Warm in Kurapika’s arms, his hands rubbing circles into Kurapika’s back.

_Home_.

He wouldn’t let him go again.

“Welcome home, idiot.”

**Author's Note:**

> That was a wild ride, and I hope you all enjoyed it. Sorry that I haven't written anything in a while, I slightly lost my job, so I've been trying to work with financial aid with my school so I can start a new job. I hope this makes up for it! 
> 
> Thanks goes to Eddy, like I said before, but also to my wonderful wife, who puts up with all my ramblings every day, and never lets me give up. I love you, Sam.  
> Title is in reference to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGxnNJNu1QA
> 
> If you like this, and want to help me out while I am partially unemployed, please consider tipping me at ko-fi! You can do that here: ko-fi.com/A36556O 
> 
> Thank you, I couldn't do it without you guys. If you want updates on anything, you can follow me on twitter @pacifica_chan !


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